Thursday, July 01, 2004

Next week I will be competing in a nude sushi competition. No, there will not be a bunch of naked men cutting up fish! The nice folks at the Wet Spot have asked me and another would be sushi artist to turn some lovely woman into a living sushi platter. While this is a “friendly competition”, it is a competition none the less. Now knowing that my motto in life is “go big or GO HOME! “ You can only guess what my evil brain has in store for that night.

When they asked me to write a brief bio and explain my sushi making background, this is what I sent.

Well you do have an impressive sushi resume. As for me, I guess you could say it all started during that unforgettable summer of 92.

The clear beverage craze was sweeping the nation and we were all knew that we knew not to break his heart, that ackey breaky heart. I was studying in Japan as part of the Yakuza student exchange program when due to a mixed up urine sample I found myself enrolled in at the world famous house of BONG, where I studied under the hard, yet firm, tutelage of sushi master cumofsomeyoungguy.
Yes, those were hard days indeed. Up every morning at dawn, folding your own underpants out of seaweed, and then a full day of rice stirrings and near constant spankings. Some days I thought I would never complete my training, other days I thought maybe I could go for a bit more thud and less sting. Until that fateful day when, after months of failure and embarrassing odors, I too could successfully make a tempura roll using only my nose and a trained squirrel.

On that day, my master gave me my own spatula and said to me these words, “now… go. Spank many bottoms and put fishy delicacies on naked bodies. It’s a great way to meet the chicks”

Yes, truer words have never been spoken.


Next Friday will be a night to remember, I’ll keep you posted.