The list.

So I was chatting today with an old friend. I think we have known each other for well over 15 years, long before I was ever I identified as poly or kinky. He may say that I was never really “vanilla”. Now long married and a father, he lives tucked away in the safety of Suburbia so we don’t get to see each other as much as we once did. Now, one of the things about our friendship that I really enjoy is that we can go a year with out talking and it only takes a few sentences for us to feel like we never parted. After a bit he asks about the blog. You see this is a new discovery for him and he is having no end of fun reading about my recent exploits. He is ,of course laughing, knowing that he knew me back when I was a geeky dork with a flock of seagulls haircut, working on a record store.

“So the wife and I have been talking about… trying some of your rope out.”
“Really?
“Yes and maybe some other stuff too”
“Well good for you.”
“Problem is I really am not sure just what it is she wants to try? I mean where do you start?”
“Have you asked her?”
“Kinda, but I’m not sure she knows how to express what she wants to try”
“Have you tried a yes, no maybe list?”
“Huh?!”

The venerable YES/NO/MAYBE list, cornerstone of kink. For those who do not know, this list (usually called a y/n/m list) is a pretty though listing of almost every sexual thing you could do with another person. It lists everything from the fairly obvious stuff, vaginal intercourse, anal penetration, vibrators, oral sex, etc to the more extreme end of things like cutting, shitting, branding, and even animals. Along side all these activities a person will list if this is something they like to do “yes”, don’t like, “no” or are interested in trying “maybe”. The list I use goes a step farther by letting you rank each activity on a scale of 1-5. 1 being you are really not interested and 5 being “Oh hell yeah baby!”

“Here let me e-mail you this one that is setup as a spreadsheet, really handy”
I fire him off a copy of this. Feel free to download it too. Right click to “save as”
“Ok I have it, hmm yeah… lots of stuff here. Um, what the hell is Barosmia?!”
“Getting turned on by smells, why?”, I deadpan.
“How the hell do you know all this?! I have no idea what half these are!”
“Here, try this link it should give you definitions to most of the items.”

Once both partners have completed the list, you now have an excellent place to start talking about what you would like to do together. Armed with a similar vocabulary and a common starting point you can agree on common activates you both enjoy as well as a few new ones you both want to try. Now keep in mind that the list is a fluid and living thing. Constantly changing, your list will evolve and change over time as you experience new things and learn more. My current list is much different that the one I made 8 months ago also the list I have with Dancer is different that the list I have with Tambo.

The trick, I told him, was to remember that there is no wrong answer. She could have things on her yes list that frankly do not turn you on, and vice versa. Respect those limits and don’t freak out or else she will be less eager to share with you in the future. Discovering kink with a long term spouse is great, I told him. I know that for Tambo and I it has been a lot of fun to do together. You already have a basis of communication and trust in your relationship. By adding kink you get to discover new things about someone you already know and trust. You will learn to talk about everything but in the end it is fantastic when you discover a new way to make the woman you love go limp with pleasure. Sorta that same feeling of unexpected joy you get when you find a $20 bill in your jeans pocket after doing the laundry.

I certainly do wish them well in their discovery of kink. They both are both dear people who obviously love each other very much. With any luck they will start taking those baby steps and enjoy every one of them. I gotta say that frankly, I can’t see him becoming the “big bad top”, nah I think he more the bottoming kind. As for her, well we will just have to see about that one, now won’t we?