God save us from the “Self Important Male Top”

How many times have we seen it? Somewhere in a public play space there is inevitably one of them swaggering about. You know the drill, a thirty something white, meat eating, very straight, and exclusively top only male. They parade about, dressed in shiny leather chaps, a black t-shirt, and always wearing a flogger or single tail off their hip. Yes, you know who I am talking about. They have scene names like “Master Dragon-Butt” or “Sir Wolf-Sword-Trogdor”. Frankly they are rather pathetic, trying vainly to exert an air of superiority and power. When I see them, I’m not sure if I should feel sorry for them or tell them, “Hey, the Village People just called and they want their costume back”.

Ok, ok so yeah it is more than just the costume that bugs me. Heck, I have been known to wear that costume from time to time. The difference? They have no sense of humor about what they are doing. Somewhere along the line when they discovered that they were kinky, they forgot that this was supposed to be fun. Remember, we call it BDSM “play” for a reason. In the end, it is all about having orgasms right? Orgasms are supposed to be fun! Lighten up boys, I promise that it will not ruin your reputations one bit. I honestly think that straight boy tops take this thing way too seriously. It’s like they all went to the Capitan Kirk School of Topping. “You…WILL…sub…mit. KAHN!!!”

First off, quit dressing like you got lost on your way to a gay porn set.

Next, relax. There is more than one way to push your bottom into a subspace than acting all big and toppy 24/7. Laugh, be tender, be silly, and be cruel was well. The best tops I know can smile the biggest, sweetest smiles at you while they drive needles into your cock. They are the unassuming ones who will stroke your long hair and encourage you, right before they spin you about in suspension bondage. They have humor, they have genuine skill and they do not take themselves so damn serious that they forget to have a good time with their partner. Have no fear, they are going to hurt you and make you cry out, but they will also make you laugh in the next breath

And lastly, I know they say that every top should test out their toy in themselves before using them on a lover, but I say you should really spend some quality time on your knees. Don’t just whack your jeans covered ass with that flogger while at the store. Find some nice sadist to really give your naked ass a good whack or twelve. Like those clothespins? Have someone put them on your pink bits and then tell me how it feels. The change in perspective will do you wonders.

Then again, maybe they should not change. Seriously, the rest of us really benefit from it. After you jokers, the rest of us look like uber tops. I have had more than one lover ask me with a worried look, “is it ok if I smile and laugh? My last top hated it when I did… but… I could not help it.” To which I reassure them that not only is it ok, I rather enjoy it when they laugh. I really enjoy it when they are laughing and crying at the same time, all the while howling, “...you sadistic rat bastard!”