Monday, October 18, 2004

My secret weapon #4

Guys, never underestimate the power of flowers. That’s right, flowers. I’m amazed at the number of straight men who do not realize just how powerful a tool this is. A simple bouquet given with genuine sincerity will do more to make you attractive to the opposite sex than any car you drive or set of washboard abs. In fact I would dare to say that flowers have opened more doors, and more thighs, for me than I care to count.

There are, of course, some guidelines one follow in order to really use flowers as an effective tool.

1) Don’t wait till you are in trouble.
This is probably the most common mistake men make. We wait until the last minute, when the object of our attention is angry with us to bring out the flowers. Do not do this. This just makes you look like a moron and is often looked upon as a last ditch attempt at appearing sincere. Rather, give flowers when they are not expected. When she asks you why, just smile and say “Cuz it’s Thursday that’s why!” or “I saw these and thought of you.” Doing this builds what I call, flower karma in your favor. So that the next time you do really screw up, you have some extra points in your favor.

2) Screw the roses.
You do not have to go broke sending dozens of roses. Roses are nice, but let’s face it they are expensive and a bit overrated. Every would be Romeo brings his love a rose on prom night. Rather, find yourself a nice upscale supermarket with a decent floral department. Talk to the florist there, if you are not a complete jerk, they will be happy to help you pick out a nice mix that will not break the bank. In fact it is quite normal to say, “I’d like to spend about 10-15 bucks and she really likes burgundy. Any ideas?”

3) Never bring plastic
This is really a continuation on the previous rule. As tempting as it may be to just grab a pre-made bundle of flowers as you make your way to the check stand. Don’t do it. While I am sure your intentions are good, presenting a woman you care about with a bouquet still in plastic and bearing a price tag is tacky. It says that you are cheap and did this at the last minute. Take an extra 5 minutes and have the store re-wrap your flowers in a nice paper wrap. Most will do this for free and it makes for a MUCH better presentation. Remember, when giving flowers it is all about the presentation.

4) Flowers, not just for lovers
Going to a party and want a sure fire way to guarantee your name will be on the guest list next time? A bundle of flowers for the hostess and a nice bottle of Champagne for the host works every time. They don’t drink? Then perhaps a pound of really good coffee? The trick here is to never come empty handed.

The line goes, “say it with flowers”. I’m still trying to figure out just how to say “I’d like to tie you up, beat your pink bits and violate you”, till then I think I’ll just enjoy the look on her face when I hand her that bundle of fragrance and color.