I am terrified of candied yams.

You see, I’m convinced that they give off some form of radiation that makes family members act like guests on Jerry Springer. Don’t believe me? Well then see for yourself this Thanksgiving and tell me if I am lying. Most families have stresses and drama, but put them all around a table on Thanksgiving and as soon as you put the yams on the table, boom! They get strange. Your mom starts asking you about your sex life while your dad wonders when you are going to “get a real job”. All the while, your uncle Bert is telling bad knock-knock jokes to the kids while eyeing young cousin Timmy and Aunt Penny just polished off an entire bottle of bourbon and will soon do a face plant in the mashed potatoes.

I tell you, it’s the yams….

So today, as you eye your yams with suspicion, someone will invariably ask. “So, what are you thankful for today?”

Now I’m pretty sure we all know the pat answers to this one. Yes, life, liberty, health, freedom, and genital endowment are all perfectly acceptable answers to give in this situation. Ok, maybe not the last one. But let’s be really honest here and ask ourselves, “What am I really thankful for but am not about to tell my family while in the presence of the yams?”

Me? I’m thankful for having lovers who regularly and profoundly fuck my
brains out. I’m thankful for the proliferation of cheap bandwidth and ease
of access to pornography online. I’m thankful that nobody has attempted an
intervention for my crippling sushi addiction. Or for my caffeine addiction
either. I’m thankful for having partners who think that “drama” is a genre
of theater and has no place in a relationship. I’m thankful for thick,
warm socks. I’m thankful for all the perverts in the world who like to tie
each other up. I’m thankful that you all keep coming back day after
day.

But mostly I’m thankful for the socks.