Swing, Swing

So, you’re a single horny guy and want to check out one of these swing clubs I keep talking about? I can see why, an event where 200-400 people show up with the intent of removing their clothes and fucking like it was the end of the world does sound pretty appealing. Long before I became the raging kinkster I am today I spent a lot of time enjoying the pleasures of the swinger world.

There is of course a slight problem. Most swinger events and clubs are “couples only”. Meaning that you need a female to get in the door. Granted, what you do when you get there is up to you, but they expect you to walk in the door with a member of the opposite sex on your arm. Of course there are some events and venues that do not have this restriction. Be warned however, you and 900 of your closest male friends will all be there in hopes of scoring the very limited supply of willing females. Now some girls I know would call this “a target rich environment”, we on the other hand call this a “sausage festival”.

So basically you need a set of boobs to get past the gate keepers and into the golden palace of hedonism. Don’t have a willing partner? Then here is what you do.

1) Hire an Escort.
Lots of boys have done this. Hire some nice sex worker to be your “partner” for the night. While the most direct of solutions, this is not with out it’s problems. First off, everyone knows. They are going to look at you and look at her, do the math and proceed to ignore you for the rest of the night. Besides, this gal is probably charging you like what? 250 bucks an hour for her time. Most parties last 4-8 hours. That is a ton of cash you are shelling out, pal. If your intent is to have crazy monkey sex with a couple of honeys, hire two or three escorts! Still not convinced that this will be as good as the real thing? Hire some middle aged guys to hang out in Hawaiian shirts and crudely hit on the escorts while a bad cover band plays in the background. Trust me, you will have more fun and still have enough extra cash left over for a nice tip for the girls.

2) Date an unattached girl in the “lifestyle”.
The fabled “swingle” girl. Some say that she is a myth, a legend like Bigfoot. But yes, dear reader, she does in fact exist in several forms. The rarest of course is the elusive hot, MILF hard body swinger girl who loves to fuck and thinks that going to a swing club is like going to Disneyland with erections. Keep in mind that competition for her attention is fierce. Unless you have something really good to offer her, and I mean really good, forget about it. And no, your “great personality” just won’t cut it. The reality is more that your date will resemble one of your mom’s bridge club partners… only wearing a hot pink teddy and fuck me heels. Oh and yes, she will be expecting you to take her upstairs and deliver the mail, as it were.

3) Get a cruising partner.
Much like the fabled “single girl”, however this girl may enter the door with you but that is about all she will do with you. She is there for one thing, and it is not you. My cruising partner of choice was a fireball named “Danni” You see, she and I would attend the parties together as a couple, then once things got rolling we would split up and see who could score the most. Invariably she would always win, I think her tactic of pulling up her short skirt and wrapping her long tan legs around a boy and moaning in his ear was far more effective than anything I could come up with at the time. However I did beat her once when a group of 5 girls drug me off to be their human fucking machine… but that is a story for another day.


3) Find a girl online.
You can cruise the personals and other sites with the express intention of finding a willing girl to join you for a night of multi partner action. Lots of women are interested in this lifestyle and are looking for an experienced guide to show them around. I’ll admit to doing this myself. At the height of my very aggressive cruising days, I would bring a different gal every weekend to the club. My friends got so tired of trying to remember this new gal’s name, only to meet someone else the next week, they started labeling our reservations “Monk & FOTW”* (fuck of the week) This of course, is not with out its drawbacks. A swing club is not the best place for a first date. Also you should be very direct in expressing your intentions for the night. Will the two of you stay together as a solo couple or are you planning on inviting another couple to join you for sex? What you should never do is this, once you get through the door part ways and leave your date sitting there at the table alone and looking scared. While the cruising boys will enjoy the challenge, you are on a fast track to getting a reputation as a grade A looser.

But what about us girls, you ask? You want to come and play too? Most clubs encourage and even let in unescorted women in free of charge. Yes, a double standard exists here boys, get used to it. Or if you can’t get in free, I’m certain some nice and eager boy would be happy to be your date. He usually pays for everything, by the way.

Yep, that double standard thing again.