Hardwired

Recently, over spicy Indian food, a fellow kinkster and I were discussing the ins and outs of this thing called “poly”. I was sharing with him my response to watching my dearest Tambo get tied up in public by someone other than me for the very first time. While we have been at this thing for a long time, this was the first time she had ever publicly bottomed to another guy while I watched on the sidelines, no less.

“Over all it was very cool, he was great and did a fantastic job, I knew she was in good hands but there were a few moments that were fucking tough to take,” I told him in between bites.

“Yeah, you kept it together pretty well there until that last bit.”

“That last bit” he was referring to was the point in the scene when Tambo, fully in rope headspace, made that noise. You know, that noise… that sound your lover makes when you know they are having a really good time. That sound you hope they only make for you.

“Yeah, that was a hard moment. Thankfully Dancer was there to distract me and hold my hand while I bit my lip and furrowed my brow.”

“I’m glad I’m not the only one who struggles with this, for a while I thought maybe I just was not wired for poly?”

“That, good sir, it horseshit.”

Poly is hard, hard work. You spend a lot of time experiencing what we like to call “FGO” or “FUCKING GROWTH OPPORTUNITES” Now this is not to say that poly is unattainable or that you should not do it. In fact I would say just the opposite. Poly, while a lot of work, is a very rich and rewarding lifestyle choice. However you must first understand that nobody is really “wired” for it. It is a choice you make and you must be willing to work at it.

I certainly do not have the magic bullet for how to do painless poly. I have however learned a few lessons along the way. If I could impart two lessons that I have learned in my near decade of being poly (in one form or another) it would be this.

First, embrace the fact that you are going to have “moments”, but realize that they are just that. Moments are temporary things. Sure, when you are experiencing them they suck, but they will pass. The hope here is that with practice these moments will fade and eventually become non-issues. Things that once sent me into moments of gut ripping insecurity now don’t really seem to phase me all that much. But that took time, patience and a loving partner who was willing to let me have those moments and not criticize or think I was less poly than I should be.

Second would be to not use the generic term of “jealousy” when describing the way you feel in that moment. Look deeper than just saying “I’m feeling jealous right now” and ask yourself to be more specific. Take this example, if I see my lover being intimate and making kissy face with another person I have moments of envy. You see, I know how good her attention feels and I’m envious that someone else is on the receiving end of it. Or like when watching your partner bottom to another, it is all about ego. The feeling that, “no, I’m the rock and roll rope top here…”

Moments of ego, moments of envy, moments of insecurity, and moments of fear we all have them. So admit that you too will have moments and that moments will pass. Also try to describe your moment in better terms; it makes communicating your feelings later oh so much easier.

I said before that I do not have all the answers, in fact nobody really does. Everyone who is poly struggles at times with it, but that is not to say that it is not worth the work. The emotional rewards, the amazing bonds of trust and respect you form with your partners, and quite frankly the fact that you can be richly and deeply in love with more than one person and that it is ok… well that is worth the work.