Liar!

Recently, someone confronted me about my relationships, specifically the fact that I have a primary AND secondary partner and write about them all the time.

“How can you talk so blatantly about your infidelity!” they accused.

Interesting, normally when confronted by someone in this fashion I’d just kindly suggest that they fuck off and mind their own business. However this was someone I once respected and felt that they deserved more than that. So…

I think we have all experienced the pain of infidelity first hand. If not at the hands of a partner, then we have watched out parents, family or close friends be torn asunder by aftermath of such an event. Lives are destroyed by them. Dream and plans ended, respect for those involved is lost, never to be regained.

All relationships are acts of faith, faith based on trust in your partner. Trust that this person loves you and respects you and will do everything in their power to retain and grow your trust. It does not matter what the church calls it, the state or anyone else. A relationship, at it’s core, is all about trust.

The question I posed to him, and to you dear readers, is this. What is the thing that causes such pain and emotional destruction? Now I’m not looking for the biblical definition here, but rather the brass tacks reality. Is it the act of sex with someone other than your partner? That would not account for things like “on-line” affairs where the players have yet to actually press the flesh.

No, I argue that the true culprit is the lies you tell to get there.

You lied to yourself that you could get away with it. You lied to your partner. You kept lying, to yourself and to everyone around you. You have the audacity to look your partner in the eyes, a person you one swore to honor and LIE to them. You look your friends, your family and your god in the eye and lie. Like a house of cards you stack up the lies and keep lying to cover your tracks. Once you start, you cannot stop, till the house of cards comes tumbling down.

And there lies the burn, the gnawing pain of betrayal. The loss of faith, the destruction of lives.

Not the sex, while yes I will agree that there are ramifications to the act (STD, pregnancy, etc) the true destroyer is the lies you told in order to obtain that sex. The path of destruction from those lies never truly heals either. How many of us have parents/friends/family who are still, decades after the fact, still wounded by one’s inability to simply tell the truth?

So what happens when you remove the deception from the mix? When everyone involved knows and respects the bounds of the relationship? Is it still infidelity? Where is the pain of betrayal when you can look your partner in the eye and thank them for trusting you so much?

Sure there are all manner of issues that still must be addressed in this type of lifestyle (jealousy, boundaries, communication), but that is a posting for another day.

Afterthoughts:
So I’m re-reading this post and noticing that I tend to harp a lot about trust and the loss of trust. Long time readers of this blog will tell you that I talk a LOT about trust when it comes to relationships. Why? Well I think a piece of advice my Dad gave me once says it best.


“I’d rather live with a thief than a liar. A thief will steal your things, things can be easily replaced. A liar steals your trust, and that is something not so easily replaced”