Out of the Closet, and Into the Fire

A disturbing note from the inbox:

Dear Monk,

I’m an avid reader of your blog and hope you can help me. A bit of background first, I’m 28 and like you I too come from a conservative, religious background. I’m also married, 5 years next November. My wife and I are starting to take our first baby steps into the whole kink and poly world. So far everything has been going pretty good. We have had some “moments” as you put it, but it seems to be working for us. That is until this morning.

I got an e-mail from my father. Someone “pointed out” my profile on NAME OF ALT DATING SITE REMOVED (I have a personals add up looking for partners and I list that I AM married and that my wife knows) and let’s just say that he fucking freaked out! Now my dad and I are not the closest, but we have up to this point been on pretty good terms. Not any more! He went off! He is now demanding that if I ever wish to speak with him again that I must remove my profile and “make amends for my wicked ways”. WTF?!

I’m so pissed of right now I could scream! I mean this guy is no saint! Let me tell you, this guy has some serious skeletons in his closet. And to make matters worse, he has taken it upon himself to “inform” the rest of my adult family about my “deviant ways”.

What should I do? You talk about your family in your blog and about The Mom, so your family must know about your life, right? How did you do it? Any advice you can give me here would be really helpful.

Pulling my hair out in frustration,
Reed

Ouch… Ok Reed, wow this is a rough one on many fronts. First off, my condolences, right now you are probably getting slammed from all sides and are feeling pretty shitty about life. Take heart, you are not the first and sadly not the last person who has gone trough this sort of thing. Yes, my family knows about my lifestyle. No, not all of them approve. While I’m no expert on dealing with “coming out” to one’s family, I can offer you these guidelines that worked for me when dealing with mine.

1) If at all possible, ALWAYS wait 24 hours before responding to e-mails / calls.
We live in a digital age and e-mail is the communication tool of choice for most people. However we all have seen, first hand probably, how easy it is to say things in e-mail that we would never dare say face to face. Do not make this mistake and respond in anger. Yes, you are hurt and you want to fight back. But now is not the time or place. Give yourself a chance to calm down, collect your thoughts then respond. Do not say something that you will regret if this gets out of hand and is taken to court (yes I have seen this happen before).

2) Take the moral high ground.
Last time I checked, sadism between consenting adults was legal. So if you are not involving minors, animals or those who are unable to consent to such activates you are doing nothing wrong and they should mind their own damn business.

3) Stick to the matter at hand.
If we have learned anything from Jerry Springer, it is that families never fight fair. A family member, someone you have known your entire life, will say things in anger that, if said to an acquaintance, would get them slapped with a lawsuit. However, families think that this is ok for some reason. Yes, you probably know where every skeleton is hidden in every one of their closets and yes it might really feel good to share that with the rest of the world and put them on the defensive for a change. Do not fall into this trap. Keep the conversation on the topic at hand.

4) Time is your best ally
Nobody can stay mad forever. It requires far too much energy and is ultimately fatal to the person carrying around all that toxic anger. Give them time to process this new information and come to grips with it. Right now they probably think you are a charter member of the “Ted Bundy Fan Club” and are watching you, expecting you to falter. Anything you do (gain weight / lose weight/ lose your dog/ split up/ whatever) is because of your “deviant lifestyle”. Don’t give them the chance. Play safe, sane and consensual, get involved in your local SM community, donate to charity, and be the best damn kinkster you can be.

5) It is not your job to convert them.
Being kinky is not a religion. You are not bound by any commandment to convert anyone to your chosen lifestyle. Just as you cannot make someone love you, you also cannot make someone be open minded or accepting of alternate cultures. Yes, you should answer their questions openly and honestly. Yes, if they ask, you should point out some good resources for learning more. I would recommend “When someone you love is kinky” But if they cannot see beyond their own prejudices and fears to see the person, not the activities you choose to participate in. Well then the fault is theirs not yours and in the end they will have to answer to whatever god they choose to pray to.

In the end, well in the end it is going to suck to be you for a while. You might even consider packing it all in, hiding your leather and trying to repress what you have discovered about yourself in your foray into kink. This never works. Like Pandora opening the box, you can never put it back into the box. Repressing who you are, while it may temporarily placate your accusers, will ultimately do more damage than good.

If in the end, they come around then rejoice in this. If they don’t, then mourn the loss of that relationship and move on. There is a reason why many of us in the SM world have a “leather family”, but that is a post for another day.