So the big Wetspot in Paradise event is coming up this weekend. This will be a large gathering of kinky folks out at a lush wodded retreat. Folks come from near and far for this event, we have more than a few friends flying in from out of town to attend. Tambo and I were discussing a couple possible play opportunities for the long weekend. Opportunities for us to play together as a couple as well as individually with other people. Now after almost a decade of being poly you might assume that we do not have to negotiate such things as much as we once did. Yes, the conversations have gotten eaiser with time, however we still have them.

I thought perhaps I might share our “rules” for negotiating play with non partners.

1)The first, last and most important conversation must be between us.
Poly mantra #1, Communicate, communicate, communicate. You hear this a lot, but it is key to any relationship, non monogamous or not.

2) Assume NOTHING.
Ask the tough questions and don’t assume that your partner somehow knows your limits. Is the play to be non-sexual? Good, then what do you define, exactly, to be sex? Penetration? Direct genital contact? Indirect contact? Will they leave marks? Etc. So maybe you do not need to go into a play by play of the scene, but grey areas will lead to problems. Also, know that this will change over time. What was a limit today might be a non issue tomorrow.

3) While it may be helpful to be part of the negotiation, you cannot negotiate FOR your partner.
Yes, there are those D/s relationships where this is a pre-agreed tenent of the relationship. However for the other 99.9% of us, this applies. You cannot control the actions of your partner, rather you must trust them to respect your agreed upon limits. They may also have limits of their own that have nothing to do with what you have negotiated, but are personal to them that they must negotiate for themselves.


4) If possible, agree to meet the other party first.
Putting a face to a name greatly reduces those fears and issues often surrounding an “unknown” partner.

5) It’s ok to have a “moment” over this.
Nobody said that this was going to be easy. However if you can, wait till the play is over, aftercare is given, and you have had a chance to cool down before addressing the matter. Being angry is ok, trying to address the matter when angry will get you nowhere. Fall back to the “wait 24 hours” mantra and then talk. You will both get a lot more out of the discussion.

6) Repeat # 1