As some of you may know, the powers that be seem to think that The Rocky Horror Picture Show needs to be remade. Yes, yes I agree this is just shy of lunacy and a crime against all that is right with this world. For most kinksters, discovering RHP was a touchstone moment. That point when you first realized that there were other people who, like you, viewed the world through a slightly tilted lens and you were not alone.
Now rather than begrudge the march of time, I say we embrace the change and take a hand in shaping our world. To that note I am going to take it upon myself to cast the remake. Here are my recommendations, Hollywood take note!
Brad and Janet: I’m at a loss on this one as I really do not make it a point to pay much attention to “Young Hollywood”, however it seems to me that it would make perverse sense to get someone from the Disney world who wants to shed their squeaky clean image and be taken finally as an “adult”. Maybe one of the Jonas Brothers? Hannah Montana perhaps? Not sure, somebody call Disney and have them pluck one or two from the vats they grow them out of and send em over to casting.
Dr. Scott: In a nod to Matisse on this one I’m gonna cast Christopher Walken. After seeing him cut a rug in the Weapon of Choice video I think he will do great. Besides who would not want to see him sporting a pair of silk stockings and heels?
Columbia: Pink. I can just see her sneering and tap-dancing away during the Time Warp and it makes my pants happy.
Magenta: Angelina Jolle? I’m not married to the idea, but her and Pink doing “toucha-toucha-touch me” sounds pretty smoking.
Riff-Raff: I say we just let Richard O’Brien have the roll again. He played the original, wrote the score and creepily still looks much the same 30 years later. If we can’t get him, Marilyn Manson would make a good understudy.
Eddie: Jack Black. No question.
The Monster: I’m unsure on this one. My original vote was for Daniel Craig, but my advisers say he is too old for the role and won’t appeal to the youth market. So this one is still undecided.
Dr. Frankfurter: While Tim Curry defined the role and gave cross dressers, would be glam rockers and gender queers the world over someone to aspire to, he is sadly too old now to refill those platform heels he once rocked so hard. At first the idea of Robert Downey Jr seemed a good one. He has the mojo and the chops and after the string of wins this year at the box office he could do film himself farting on a snare drum for 3 hours and we would all flock to see it.
However, as was just pointed out to me, Eddy Izzard would make one hell of a Frank.