Snippet from a conversation with my fabulously gay hairdresser.
"So, what ya doing for your birthday?"
"Oh, steak and a blow job."
"Just one?"

Yes, it is that time again. The whole, "Monk turns another year older and shares what he learned this year" post. Feel free to tune out now, I recommend checking out my pals zombie music blog.

Now for the rest of you? This was a year filled with some amazing high points. Celebrating 20 years of marriage to my high school sweetheart and first love, pretty amazing. Collapsing in a pool of sweat and tears after completing the emotional marathon that was SEAF and the 3 days of rigging, performing and creating art? Fucking amazing.

And then there were the lows, the untimely and tragic death of my older brother. Our last words, angry and mean, the last memory I have of him. Being denied the right to even attend his funeral, old fueds and family divides unable to be bridged even in this time of loss. Watching, helplessly at the unimaginable cruelty that only a "family" can exact on eachother....

So what did I learn from all this? We are the creators of worlds, we choose to shape the reality in which we inhabit. It is not the who we are today, but rather the who we are working to become that counts.

I think U2 uses the line "Vision, over the visible"

Left to its own devices, the universe will crush us. Our short, painful lives, but a moment in the grand scheme of things. However we can choose to run screaming from the night and hide, refuse to face our fears and bide our time, safe under the covers till our days are done and time on this planet is up. Or we can look beyond who we are today, to who we *want* to be. The person we strive to become and take all the negative, all the shit and reshape it into something good. To hold the mirror up to our short comings, to our fears and limitations and admit that we are scared to death but we hold these things up to the light anyways. Lord knows in the last year I have failed, on several occasions, to be the person I want to be. Stumbling, clutching and retreating backwards. Causing more than my fair share of pain and frustration to those whom I love. Yet somehow, miraculously, they still loved me even when I could not love myself and for that I owe a debt that can never be repaid.

Yesterday I was asked "What do you want for your birthday?" and to that I say.

"To everyone who can read these words. Go do something that scares you, face a fear and be the person you want to become"