So it is an "up to my ass in alligators" sorta week thus far. While I would kill for a vacation, that just is not going to happen any time soon. I'm going to settle for thinking about all the kinky, nasty things I have in store for someone special later this week.

Till then, here is one from the vaults. A personal favorite post of mine.

Saturday, October 30, 2004

The Perils of Penetration

Ever look thought the “alt” section of the personals? Wonder why there are so many couples seeking a bisexual female for “exploration and fun”? Well aside from the fact that it is like every man’s fantasy, bringing another woman into the bedroom is probably the most common starting point for couples who are thinking about embarking on an “alternative” sexual lifestyle. The local alt weekly personals is where Tambo and I found our first shared girlfriend experience.

I’d venture to say that a lot of you poly and swinger types out there are nodding your heads in agreement at this point.

Besides being a good starting point, it is also a hell of a lot of fun. Three hungry bodies all tumbling about the bed together make for what we like to joking call “The Sex Olympics”. Of course this assumes that the girls are bi-sexual, or at least bi-curious. Now, a 3 way with two adamantly straight girls… oh that would be like trying to drive 2 cars cross country.

Start one up, warm the engine a bit, drive it down the road awhile, pull over, stop the engine, hike back to where the other car is and start over…

Which brings me to the real point of this posting today, dear readers, for this is much what a girl who brings two boys to her bed will be facing. I have had my fair share of MFM sex, now most of this was in swing club environments, so I’ll grant that the view is a bit skewed. However, hear me out. Sex with 2 girls is easy. Sex with 2 boys… damn near impossible. Why?

Well first there would have to be the issue of bisexuality in men. Now most kinky/poly/swinger women I know are bisexual, however only a handful (a tiny handful at that) of men are bi. Some would say this is due to how women are wired differently than men while others would argue that it is due to the homophobic male dominated structure of the alternative sexual culture. Either way, that is an argument for another day. The fact is ladies, the boys you will be taking to bed with you probably are not there to suck the other’s cock. If they are? Well then consider yourself extra lucky and skip this part.

Now for the rest of you, here is what usually happens.

Picture if you will, a sexy curvy naked woman with two strapping, hard boys all ready to get busy. The only thing is, the boys do not look at each other and rarely even talk to each other. Oh and heaven help you if you try to compliment the other’s sexual prowes, a sure sign that you are actually a fag and guaranteed to make the other guy go soft. Nope, at all times there must be at least one woman firmly planted between the two men.

That’s what keeps it from being gay, you know.

So now you have 2 hard boys and they are comfortably far enough apart to still fuck you while not actually having to touch or otherwise make physical contact with the other. Then the next issue you have to overcome is rhythm. That is right, rhythm. You see, every guy fucks to a certain rhythm. Some fuck to the slow and steady blues beat. While others prefer a more driven, up-tempo beat. Ladies, picture yourself on hands and knees, one man in front, fucking your mouth while the other is in back. The one in front is happily pumping away to a nice basso nova beat while the one in back is doing “Master of the Puppets” to your ass. I think you can see where I am going with this. You end up getting bounced around and ping ponged back and forth between the two.

Oh and let’s not even talk about what to do if one of the boys cums too soon while the other is far, far away from being done. Now there is one for Ms. Manners…

Ok, so you got your two boys in bed. They are ok being naked in the same room and comfortable enough with their masculinity to both be with in one naked girl’s distance of each other. Good, now you have them both marching (as it were) to the same beat and not slapping you back and forth like the Detroit redwings. Fabulous. So now for the $64, 000,000.00 question. What about DP? I mean here you have two nice hard cocks. Why not live out the porn star fantasy and do the deed?

Consider this; most bodies have only so many “angles of entry” as it were when having sex. Let’s face it, your bodies can only accept penetration at certain vectors. Men too have only a limited number of “vectors” they are capable to providing as well. Add to this the issue of lenght and the need to compensate if one of the partners is ... well less than gifted in the whole "vector" department. The sad truth is that it is like a freaking math problem, working out the angles so that you can get both cock A and cock B into your body with out feeling like you are about to be torn in two. Or worse, having them constantly pop out due to the impossible angles needed to maintain penetration. Nothing is more frustrating than getting everyone into position, getting things lined up, making penetration, start to fuck only to have one guys cock suddenly pop out and jab the other guy in the nut sack.

Oh and on top of all of this, your boys better really like each other. I mean really like each other. If you can overcome all these obstacles, remeber that there is only a small bit of tissue separating your ass and pussy. So from the guy’s perspective they are petty much rubbing cocks together inside you while their scrotums slap together. Personally, there are very few men I’m comfortable being that close to. Very few.


Oh and don’t even get me started on DVDA