Friday, October 02, 2009

Yes, this blog post is about my balls...

It happened again this morning, seems to always happen about this time of year too. You think by now I would now and be prepared for it, perhaps have something on hand just in case... but no, I never do. This morning as I leapt onto my motorcycle and made my way into the Abbey I was not thinking about it. Happily riding along in the damp, autumn morning, it did not occur to me till I was half way to my destination. I think it was about the point when I felt my balls start crawling up into my stomach from the bone chilling, wet cold that swept across me that I realized it. Oh fuck, it is winter in Seattle again and I ride a motorcycle!

During the spring, summer and even into the late fall I am pretty smug about my year round commitment to ride a motorcycle. At 40+ miles per gallon, a side car that lets me shop at costco with ease and a tiny environmental footprint my old bike is a fantastic alternative to a car, not to mention the pretty girls love it on a summer's evening. That is until it starts to rain and I forget to dig out my wet weather gear. Then. then it is a ball freezing SOB that makes me want to say fuck the environment and buy a Hummer H2, complete with baby seal seats and dolphin skin accents.

Oh I have good rain gear, and no not the kind that makes me look like the Gorton's Fisherman either (I'm talking to you Kl8ton) Sweet gear like custom made, police style lap blankets to keep my legs dry and last year I was even lucky and someone wonderful bought me a set of heated gloves, so my poor hands won't feel like lobster claws.

Ya know what I do need? Ball warmers. (well just one warmer.. for both balls to be exact)

I'm thinking a heated motorcycle seat would be just what Monk needs to keep his already small boy bits from shrinking to the point of him being confused a eunuch. Let's face it, "I was swimming" can only get ya so far. While I am on the topic of new seats and genitals, ya know what else would be amazing to add the bike?

A throttle controlled vibrator installed in the sidecar seat.

When I showed this to Tambo, she took it a step further and suggested that I ask the evil brains at House of Gord to just install a fucking machine of some sort into the sidecar. Leave it to my darling to always take a good idea and make it an amazing one, but I think for now I'll opt for the vibrating seat and maybe some strategic tie points just below the line of sight.