Thursday, January 31, 2008

The Eternal Question

Hello im very interested in being a professional Dom I have read a few books but books will never give me experience or teach me Trix of the trade so to speak. Do you teach, know of schools or masters who are willing to take on students?

Ah, yeah, welcome to the most commonly asked question by men of sex workers (or at least one of the top 5): “How do I become a male sex worker?” Now, I am assuming you are asking specifically about becoming a paid service provider for female clients? That is usually the case when this question is asked. Too bad really, I have several customers and acquaintances who service gay male clientele and they tell me that business is good and always in need of new talent.

Ask this question of a career sex worker and she will (if you are lucky) politely chuckle and tell you that you have a better chance of getting abducted by aliens and subsequently writing a best seller about it than becoming the elusive male gigolo. I believe the polite term would be “urban myth”.

Here is where I break ranks with the rest of the pack and say, rather than this being impossible, the odds of it happening are very, very, VERY (did I mention very?) improbable. See, I know a handful of men (myself included) who actually do get paid by women for various, shall we say, “professional services”.

The best analogy I can use would be this. Say you want to be the next James Bond. Daniel Craig will be stepping down after the next film, so it is reasonable to assume that someone has to fill that role, and get the fame/fortune that comes with it. However, there are millions of starving actors in the world who will all be lined up at the door the second they even start thinking about re-casting the role. Male sex work is much the same. Since the dawn of time, women have sold sex and men picked up the tab. That is just the way the universe works - with a few exceptions. What you are hoping to charge for, a thousand horny guys will do for free, or even pay to do.

However, these rare exceptions do exist. Like I said, the number of men I am talking about is TINY and this is not their primary source of income. I’ll probably get shit from the professional guys I know for even admitting that they do exist, but I will share what I do know about this very rare breed.

Unlike men, who will purchase sex based on sheer novelty or the particular shape of breasts being offered, women are much, much more particular about how they choose a provider. Reputation and relationship seem to be the two strongest governing aspects of how they make the decision to purchase such services.

Let us pause for a moment right here; the word services is a very broad term. This can be anything from the classic “porn stud” sexual experience to non-sexual SM to even erotic massage. So when I say services don’t just assume fucking for money, deal?

Now, of the male providers I know, every one of them has been active in their various alt-sex communities for years - in some cases a decade or more. Previous lovers, bottoms, friends and mentors all vouch for their skills, and more importantly, their character as a safe player. Some are, I dare say, experts in their particular field of sexual play, with a substantial reputation to back up the compensation they request. A female client wants someone they can trust to come to with their fantasies, have an experience (in whatever form that may take) with, and all the while know that their safety and privacy will not be compromised.

Ask most guys what they think being a male sex worker is like and they will tell you something like, “Show up, pull out my monster cock and bang the living shit outta some hot chick for an hour and get paid for it.” or something to that porn-tinted effect. The truth of the matter is quite different. It’s not about what I want to do, or what my “good idea meter” tells me it wants to do. Rather, the goal is to understand the needs and desires of the client and to craft an experience, a bubble if you will, in which their fantasies – not yours - become reality. While this may sound like a negative, it is in fact quite the opposite. To be granted access into a woman’s fantasies, and to take those desires and create an experience that is both memorable and well… hot, is richly satisfying. In that moment, there can be great intimacy and connection and we both enjoy it greatly. And when the moment is over, we allow it to pass, and we happily rejoin our respective lives.

Still thinking you want to try this? Ok, forget finding a mentor to “show you the ropes” as it were. Again, good female clients are a rare thing and male providers are not about to share their hard-won clients with anyone. That and the fact that this sort of thing makes up a tiny percentage of play that we do, apprenticeship opportunities are not going to happen. I mean you might get a job as “stunt cock” somewhere along the line, but even then don’t expect much more than a handshake and free condom out of the deal. (For those of you who don’t know what that is, that is when a female provider contracts you to for one of their bisexual male clients or in rare cases a female client of a female sexworker. In either case you will be closely directed as to what you are expect to do and not do) Also, there are no “Male Escort Review Sites” and posting an ad on Craigslist will most likely net you nothing but grief. So finding clients of your own will be the challenge. Amongst all the male service providers I know, their clients approached them first.

So why even bother you ask? I know that for myself, being a small business owner means that every single extra dime I make gets reinvested into my company and crew, this often leaves me with a little extra for myself. The generosity of my clients allows me to spoil myself in little ways. Like extra time with my massage therapist, or getting those expensive jeans that I would not normally buy for myself. Also, this has opened up opportunities for me to play with some beautiful, dynamic women that I would not have gotten to meet otherwise, because they were not shopping in the local SM community.

But let me just restate again, you will not be buying a new Audi anytime soon. Female clients are very rare, of all the play I write about on this blog only a tiny percentage are paying for the experience and most do so anonymously, hence they are NOT written about.

Haven’t talked you out of this yet? Alright then, more power to you, but let me return to the Bond analogy one last time. My advice to you would: study your craft. Take classes, read books, and go to BDSM conventions. Pay your dues in your community and maybe, just maybe if all the stars align, you’ll get a rare shot at an audition for the elusive role of Mr. Bond. Just understand that even if you have paid all your dues, have the look, the skills and the emotional chops to play the part, that casting director may choose the other guy, and there is not a damn thing you can do about it. That’s the reality for female sex workers and it’s a reality for us, too.

It is my hope that by writing this that those men out there who have always asked the question understand that this is possible, but that they need to realistically re-adjust their expectations as to what is required. Also, there is a social taboo around the idea of women seeking out sex workers. Again by telling you all this, it is my hope that they too will have more opportunities to pursue these things should they want it. In the end, this is not the end of a conversation, but rather the beginning of one.

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