I think some days you listen a little too closely

A reader and podcast listener sent me a note yesterday commenting about one of my numerous caffinee fueled rants on a recent podcast. In said rant, I went off on two of my favorite topics. Sex and zombies. Somehow through the miracle of poor logic and fast talking I managed to steer the rant into "why the hell don't zombies come back horny?"

And what do I find in my inbox, but a link to "Sex Tips For Zombies"
Now, I wish I could just pass this off as another flash in the pan, jumping on the undead bandwagon and gone in 6 months blog, but the thing is... it is actually really fucking funny.

I really need to close this up, dive into this pile of Color of the Month orders and then put the finishing touches on my Folsom prep, but I'll leave you with this thought. While I do not consider myself a "hipster" by any stretch of the imagination, I like to think I have a decent eye for the ebb and flow of popular culture. Is it just me or has the whole "Zombie thing" started to reach a sort of cultural critical mass? That point where, like bacon before it, go from being good clean(ish) fun to becoming the punchline to it's own joke? Bacon flavored lube, anyone? Or will it remain a timeless form of entertainment, much like seeing Brit men dressed in drag or watching videos of guys getting smacked in the balls?**

In short, has the Zombie jumped the shark?*

*We all know what happened when the zombie fought the shark, Splatter genius Lucio Fulci showed us that already.
**Or even the most timeless of all humor, the fart joke. Combine all three, Brit men in drag, getting smacked in the junk and making fart jokes? I dare say you have the holy grail of humor (or a good night on BBC America after a serious bender)

September's Color of the Month is Here!

It would be impossible to stock all the unique colors that folks ask for on a regular basis. So instead we now offer a new and unique color every month.

This month's color is a caramel brown with a dappling of candy apple red for added visual texture and depth. Since it is state fair season, we hereby dub this shade: "Carmel Apple"


Between Folsom and our usual insane order backlog this is a very small batch. I do not expect it to last long so hop on it now if you want some.








Now for the record, I feel I should address my darling Matisse's recent post where she accuses me of being a bad influence and encouraging her to indulge in a cocktail while we were recording our recent block of podcasts.

Guilty as charged.

As those who know me well and they will all fondly agree, "Monk brings out the worst in people and more often than not it is the very thing that needs to come out and play at the time"

Color of the Month Update!
As soon as it is out of the drying room tomorrow and oiled up, I am putting our latest offering up for sale on the website. Photos coming soon, but the shade is a caramel brown with flecks of candy apple red. We are calling it "Caramel Apple"

Look for it to go live around 11am PST on Wednesday.

I think Jester may have mixed some gun powder into my coffee

I can't blame him really, he does not drink the stuff and with half the crew out the two of us are screaming about the Abbey trying to get this huge fucking pile of orders out the door. UPS, DLH and every one else is delivering fresh stock to us today AND if that is not enough I'm also rigging for my first pro-bondage shoot with NakedGord.Com today.

Yeah, gonna be a crazy couple of days :)

In the meantime, enjoy another fun post from the vaults. This is a personal favorite of mine and the whole, "I intend to fuck you so hard you will sustain internal bruising" seems to be a reoccurring theme in my world... I wonder why?

Originally posted: December 02/2004
Atomic Fucking
I once read that somewhere, there existed the oldest known text of erotica, an ancient Japanese sex manual, in fact. In this manual, the author describes fifteen unique and distinct motions a man should be able to make with his penis while making love to a woman. That’s right, fifteen - and you thought “in, out, and repeat as necessary” was it?

Things like:

“…like a sandpiper plucking insects from shore”
or
“..as if a great wave crashing upon a rocky beach”

And so on.

Of course this made for great flirtation fodder, “so, yeah, I have the first 7 down cold, but maybe with you I can finally master 8 and 9?”

The one “motion” they did not cover is what I’ll call “Atomic Fucking". Now, hard fierce sex seems to have gotten a bad rap as of late. Yes, I know that I should heed the call of the great and might Tenacious D and “fuck her gently” but I doubt that even Jack Black would disagree with me on this.

So what is Atomic Sex then? This is that hot, sweaty, sex that runs the fine line between love and anger. The kind of sex where you do not merely thrust yourself into your lover – no, you are out to hurt her with your cock. To penetrate her, and drive yourself into her with an animalistic fury that borders on sadistic. Blinded by your mutual feral lust, you seek to pound her, to fuck her with such a fury of hunger and passion as to leave you both incapable of speech afterwards and, if you have the stamina, unable to put your legs together the next day.

Of course, this really is not the best way to say start your night of love making, no that would be like having Led Zeppelin play as your opening act. This is the kid of sex that leaves you both exhausted and unable to do more than curl into each other and shudder.

Rather, like an atomic bomb, your must assemble the proper components in order to create the chain reaction needed to create this devastating sexual experience.

First you need the proper fissionable base material. A good and sexually charged relationship where you really trust your partner. Yes, there must be lust present, but equally important is trust. If you are to let go of yourself and blindly throw your being into this sort of madness of lust, you better be damn sure your lover is cool with this. Things will be said as you claw madly at each other. Names will be called; curses exchanged and yes, bruises left… If you are not secure that in the heat of your mutual desire, these are in fact cries of love and affection and that the bite marks are tokens of your love - well then, you are going to be having a lot of apologizing to do later.

Next would be the ignition sequence. Again, this is not something you just say, “hey sweetie let’s take off our clothes, pull each other’s hair and call one another filthy names!” No this must be triggered… slowly. We all have them, those little buttons that push us beyond our normal limits, beyond our own control and into that feral space. That space where we fully let goes your control, where we succumb to our inner beasts. You cannot just rush into this space, it must build up pressure. Pull hard against me, dig your nails into my shoulders, bite down hard upon the muscles of my chest and I transform. Like the cursed man when he sees the full moon rise, I can almost feel my canines lengthen and sharpen. Snarling, I respond in kind.

Then there is the whole matter of payload. Just how hard and long can you go like this? Sure there is the physical aspect to consider. You are not merely thrusting your hips together with force, no you are driving your whole body into your lover with hunger and furry. You sweat, you grind flesh, and you both scream… a lot. But how far is too far? What is the difference between, say Bikini Atoll Atomic Fucking and oh say Global Thermal Nuclear War? Duration? Intensity?

Perhaps by the number of cop cars that shows up at your door due to panicked neighbors?

Folsom Fashion Blues

Well gentle readers, the signs are all there. The kids are back in school, crappy horror movies are back in the theaters and Tambo wants to put a giant inflatable jack-o-lantern in our front lawn. Yes summer is over and fall is here, but before I trade my tank tops for flannel shirts there is one last big event that will officially mark the end of summer.

The Folsom Street Fair.

Ah Folsom, the one day of the year when downtown San Francisco is transformed into a giant, gay leather fest. The only place in the world where you could run up to a cop screaming, “Officer, officer! There is a man, naked, and he is handcuffed to that fence over there!” and the officer will calmly respond, “Well, does he WANT to be?” Long term readers will know that I’ve a unique place in my heart for this event. Our first trip, 6 years ago, was a watershed event both personally and for the company. Marking the moment when we went from “guy in his back yard” to “world’s biggest bondage rope supplier”. Over the years I’ve attended as a vendor, a performer and even as a tourist. This year I wrap all those past experiences into one brand new and very exciting adventure. This year I will be attending as a personal tour guide for dear Jezebel.

I am blessed to live a life that allows me to have so many wonderful and varied relationships in it. Each one is very different and each brings a unique perspective and insight with it. I never thought that in all my years I would have a playmate grow into a relationship where we could travel together and she would enjoy my company as both her top and tour guide. Let’s face it, even my partners get annoyed with me what with all the lawn gnome jokes and constant email checking. So having someone grow from seeing me only in the dungeon a few hours at a time to someone who will invite me to travel with her is a huge leap for us both. It will be quite an adventure, but I have great faith that we will have a grand and very naughty time.

Now the real worry I have is what to wear?

Happy Friday Folks...
Now while I gear up for what will be a very long and interesting day. Why? Let me see... tonight I'm performing at the Little Red Studio Gold Show again, with a new person that I've never put rope on before. Think of it as "extreme contact improv" and then I have a much looked forward to date with a very, very Charming Girl, whom I've missed terribly.

But first there is this matter of a private rope session that I need to attend to. So while I dash for the shower and pound back another cup of coffee. Enjoy the newest podcast from Matisse and I. It is short, but entertaining.

Last Chance, Last Dance

I'm gearing up to start a new color of the month dye job today, as I was walking out to my motorcycle this morning I was overwhelmed and inspired by all the cool colors the great maple tree in my back yard has turned as of late. Tromping across the fallen leaves and dew covered grass as my old dog trotted along side, in the hopes of taking a ride with me to work in the sidecar, her pale yellow paws were covered in flecks of damp green grass and copper brown mud. Fall has its own unique color pallet and watching the world shift from summer into it, knowing that eventually it too will bleed away into the monochrome of winter... well it just inspired me.

So while I ponder the mix of golds, deep greens and burnt oranges at my disposal, you should expect to see a new color posted probably on Monday.

Now on that note, for those of you still looking to pick up our 3-strand Bavarian rope... this is your LAST CHANCE. Word from our suppliers in Germany tell me that this was a complete fluke, a one time job and not even (technically) allowed for export. I've got a few hundred feet of the stock left and whatever does not sell is going in my toybag.

So order yours now or miss out on this one of a kind rope.

Lay the smack down!
How many times have we seen this in porn? The dude is fucking her from behind and in between strokes he sorta halfheartedly swats her ass, usually in the exact same spot and much to the obvious annoyance of his co-star he continues to do so till it is time for his money shot. What, you don’t watch porn? What the hell is wrong with you?! I mean damn, what else is the internet for besides porn and Nigerian bank scams?

Well for those of you who don’t seem to enjoy the digital smut, let me fill you in on a little trend that is happening in “mainstream” pornography. More and more elements of sm play are leaking into straight porn, you see more and more spankings, face slapping and the occasional choke hold. Now I am not going into the last 2 items here as they will take much more blog space than I have time today, but suffice to say these things normally seen only in kink porn are now being seen by consumers of “vanilla” porn and frankly they are getting a terrible education if they think swatting a gal’s ass repeatedly in the same damn spot while fucking her is normal, or even welcome.

Over the course of my personal and professional career as a pervert, it has been my pleasure to deliver a number of spankings and I’ve grown to become an aficionado of the art. So here, let me share 3 important rules for giving a fun, sexy and hot spanking.

1) A good spanking can be a scene unto itself. While the guys in porn seem to think that the only time you should swat her on her ass is while you are jackhamering her from behind like a muppet on meth, sometimes it is the spanking that should be the focus of the scene. Like how you ask? I’ve aided wayward students when they have lost their motivation to finish a thesis paper. Visited very high powered executives in their penthouse offices and delivered a sound debriefing from behind closed board room doors and right now I’m rather looking forward to spending an evening playing out a “Mad Men” inspired dinner date where the host gets put over my knee for dessert.
2) Location, location, location. Now logic would dictate that one should want to strike the largest, meatiest part of the ass. Hence most folks tend to aim for what I like to call the “high and outside” area and usually end up hitting closer to where the hip joint is. This tends to mostly just sting and annoy. Instead aim low, right between the cheeks and just above the ass hole. This is the “sweet spot” where you can get a nice, meaty thump when you strike and the shock wave is felt in the person’s tingly bits. Now don’t suffer from SDS or “Same DAMNED Spot”, syndrome either. Target your strikes with varied speed and intensity around the sweet spot, even edging a bit into the high and outside territory, but focus on the good spot.
3) Connect. Maybe it is just me and how I tend to interact to my world through touch and texture, but bringing my hand down on a bare bottom. Feeling it connect and the warmth as skin flushes red, hearing that resonating smack and responding yelp is… is just wonderful. While I have an insane arsenal of floggers, canes and other such impact toys, nothing is quite as satisfying and connecting as my hand on the exposed flesh of another. Holding them close as they wriggle and squirm in both anticipation and in hopes of escaping the next blow… just makes me happy. Don’t stand back, a spanking is an up close and personal act.

Of course, once their ass has been soundly made into a bright red bundle of hand prints… feel free to jackhammer it like a muppet on meth …

Hear me flirt with Dan Savage on his podcast! (about midway through)

Podcast, Call for questions
Matisse and I are setting up another recording session this Tuesday for some fresh podcast action. If you have a question regarding kink, polyamory, sex work or perhaps what Star Wars character we would most like to see naked, shoot me an email.

Registration for Midori's Rope Dojo 2 Now Open

Rope Bondage Dojo Stage 2 registration now open for Stage 1 graduates. 10/16-10/18 SF. Space limited to 20.

I was planning on attending this dojo with Tambo, but she just informed me that she is booked that weekend. So go stag or find a dojo 1 grad to take with? Hmm....

So it is an "up to my ass in alligators" sorta week thus far. While I would kill for a vacation, that just is not going to happen any time soon. I'm going to settle for thinking about all the kinky, nasty things I have in store for someone special later this week.

Till then, here is one from the vaults. A personal favorite post of mine.

Saturday, October 30, 2004

The Perils of Penetration

Ever look thought the “alt” section of the personals? Wonder why there are so many couples seeking a bisexual female for “exploration and fun”? Well aside from the fact that it is like every man’s fantasy, bringing another woman into the bedroom is probably the most common starting point for couples who are thinking about embarking on an “alternative” sexual lifestyle. The local alt weekly personals is where Tambo and I found our first shared girlfriend experience.

I’d venture to say that a lot of you poly and swinger types out there are nodding your heads in agreement at this point.

Besides being a good starting point, it is also a hell of a lot of fun. Three hungry bodies all tumbling about the bed together make for what we like to joking call “The Sex Olympics”. Of course this assumes that the girls are bi-sexual, or at least bi-curious. Now, a 3 way with two adamantly straight girls… oh that would be like trying to drive 2 cars cross country.

Start one up, warm the engine a bit, drive it down the road awhile, pull over, stop the engine, hike back to where the other car is and start over…

Which brings me to the real point of this posting today, dear readers, for this is much what a girl who brings two boys to her bed will be facing. I have had my fair share of MFM sex, now most of this was in swing club environments, so I’ll grant that the view is a bit skewed. However, hear me out. Sex with 2 girls is easy. Sex with 2 boys… damn near impossible. Why?

Well first there would have to be the issue of bisexuality in men. Now most kinky/poly/swinger women I know are bisexual, however only a handful (a tiny handful at that) of men are bi. Some would say this is due to how women are wired differently than men while others would argue that it is due to the homophobic male dominated structure of the alternative sexual culture. Either way, that is an argument for another day. The fact is ladies, the boys you will be taking to bed with you probably are not there to suck the other’s cock. If they are? Well then consider yourself extra lucky and skip this part.

Now for the rest of you, here is what usually happens.

Picture if you will, a sexy curvy naked woman with two strapping, hard boys all ready to get busy. The only thing is, the boys do not look at each other and rarely even talk to each other. Oh and heaven help you if you try to compliment the other’s sexual prowes, a sure sign that you are actually a fag and guaranteed to make the other guy go soft. Nope, at all times there must be at least one woman firmly planted between the two men.

That’s what keeps it from being gay, you know.

So now you have 2 hard boys and they are comfortably far enough apart to still fuck you while not actually having to touch or otherwise make physical contact with the other. Then the next issue you have to overcome is rhythm. That is right, rhythm. You see, every guy fucks to a certain rhythm. Some fuck to the slow and steady blues beat. While others prefer a more driven, up-tempo beat. Ladies, picture yourself on hands and knees, one man in front, fucking your mouth while the other is in back. The one in front is happily pumping away to a nice basso nova beat while the one in back is doing “Master of the Puppets” to your ass. I think you can see where I am going with this. You end up getting bounced around and ping ponged back and forth between the two.

Oh and let’s not even talk about what to do if one of the boys cums too soon while the other is far, far away from being done. Now there is one for Ms. Manners…

Ok, so you got your two boys in bed. They are ok being naked in the same room and comfortable enough with their masculinity to both be with in one naked girl’s distance of each other. Good, now you have them both marching (as it were) to the same beat and not slapping you back and forth like the Detroit redwings. Fabulous. So now for the $64, 000,000.00 question. What about DP? I mean here you have two nice hard cocks. Why not live out the porn star fantasy and do the deed?

Consider this; most bodies have only so many “angles of entry” as it were when having sex. Let’s face it, your bodies can only accept penetration at certain vectors. Men too have only a limited number of “vectors” they are capable to providing as well. Add to this the issue of lenght and the need to compensate if one of the partners is ... well less than gifted in the whole "vector" department. The sad truth is that it is like a freaking math problem, working out the angles so that you can get both cock A and cock B into your body with out feeling like you are about to be torn in two. Or worse, having them constantly pop out due to the impossible angles needed to maintain penetration. Nothing is more frustrating than getting everyone into position, getting things lined up, making penetration, start to fuck only to have one guys cock suddenly pop out and jab the other guy in the nut sack.

Oh and on top of all of this, your boys better really like each other. I mean really like each other. If you can overcome all these obstacles, remeber that there is only a small bit of tissue separating your ass and pussy. So from the guy’s perspective they are petty much rubbing cocks together inside you while their scrotums slap together. Personally, there are very few men I’m comfortable being that close to. Very few.


Oh and don’t even get me started on DVDA

Monk, a tease? Never!



I've been hinting at this new, top secret, dye process for the last week. This would be our prototype results... black with bright metallic copper highlights. The keyword here is BRIGHT. My goal is to have rope that reflects stage and photo lights with stunning effect. We seem to have gotten past stage one, getting a metallic pigment to bond to the rope fibers and not wash or wear off. Next steps will be to test the ever living fuck out of the rope in order to see how well the color will wear and stand up to what our customers regularly put their rope through.

This means Monk has a lot of bondage to do next week... a LOT.

Photographers? Want you bondage art to be seen by millions?

I'm currently working on some new advertising projects and need bondage photography of our rope in use. These print and web ads will be seen by millions of eyes, we are talking huge exposure here.

Details:
1) You must be the legal owner of the images and can provide model releases
2) All images must be "pg-13" or "r", no porn.
3) All models over 18
4) You must be using TwistedMonk rope
5) Deadline for this round is 9/11 (don't worry there will be more)

Themes we are looking for at this time:
"Exotic" (that can be the rope, the model or the mood)
"Masculine" (boys in bondage, baby!)

If your art is selected for this project we will include photo credits and URL on all print material as well as an info page on the main TwistedMonk.Com site.

How to submit:
Please send only 3, scaled to 800x600 / 300dpi max images to adworks@twistedmonk.com

Busy ass couple of days!
Light on updates here, up to my ass in orders and wishing that I could take a vacation. Even a long day off at Banya 5 would be nice!

No rest for the wicked I guess.